


Baby it's cold outside

by Roysth



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Crack AU, Gen, Penguins, Rating May Change, listen this is silly, other characters will likely be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-22 18:44:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9620657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roysth/pseuds/Roysth
Summary: Delphi is a snowy, cold, bleak place. Like Antarctica. You know what else Antarctica has? Penguins.





	1. Hello!

**Author's Note:**

> Pharma and penguins are the cutest combo ever. Wrote this for a friend when the crack au started getting too cute.

    Spring, if one cold call it that, had come to Delphi. The frigid winds had warmed up enough to be called merely freezing, the snow had gone done a micron, and any and all wildlife was taking care of their newborn young. There was a small family of arctic turbofoxes First Aid was wasting much of his time on. Ambulon preferred the small electrashrews that scurried under the snowbanks. Pharma...

     "What have I told you about bringing animals into the facility?!" Pharma screeches at First Aid. The nurse puts on his best imploring face as he cuddles the tiny penguin chick closer.

   "But Pharma, it would've frozen to death," he whines. The penguin did look quite cold. It's little body was shaking, and it kept trying to nuzzle in further to First Aid's warmth. The chick was barely the size of the nurse's hand. Pharma just scoffs at First Aid's concern.

   "It's a penguin, it's meant to be cold."

   "Not one this young! Look at him. His feathers are too downy to keep any heat in. I couldn't see any other penguins around either. I think he was lost."

   "Penguin chicks get lost a lot of the time", Ambulon interjects from his station just down the hall. He looks up from a patient folder. "We had a bad storm yesterday. It probably got lost during that."

    "The poor thing must be starving!" First Aid knows he's laying it on thick, but he can see the way Pharma's wings twitch at each sad peep from the penguin. Just a little more. Delphi had a strict no animals policy, for the safety of the patients. But maybe if he pushes just the right buttons...

    "I don't care", Pharma says, caring immensely. He has to stop his hands from reaching out and grabbing the penguin chick. "You know the rules. That thing could carry all sorts of contaminants."

   "We could keep him in a side room away from the patients! He can stay in my room!"

   "No", Pharma snaps. He holds out his hand for the penguin, and First Aid is glad for the mask hiding his smile as he hands the chick over. "You barely pay attention to any of your work with just that Wrecker obsession. Adding an animal will make it worse."

   "What, are you going to just toss him out into the cold?" First Aid asks. Pharma cuddles the penguin into the crook of his arm and rubs the tiny black head. The penguin peeps at him.

    "No, I'll most certainly not. He'll stay with me." Ambulon watches over the top of a file as Pharma walks past, before turning to look back at First Aid.

    He gives him a thumbs up.


	2. What's in a Name?

    "So, what's his name?"

    Pharma scowls at First Aid as the other sits down across from him. The recreational room is usually pretty empty during Pharma's break. First Aid's appearance is very much unwelcome.

    "I haven't named him yet. I'm not going to. He has to be returned to the outside once he's old enough," Pharma says. The little penguin chick peeps at him, nudging his hand until he lowers the jellied bits of energon back down. Thankfully the penguins on Delphi weren't like the organic ones on Earth, though you'd be forgiven for thinking them the same. The penguin has some of the softest feather plating Pharma's ever seen. It doesn't look like plating until you can get closer and see the lines and minuscule divets. It happily gorges itself on the jellied energon, until Pharma moves his hand away again. It peeps angrily at him, big floppy flippers slapping at the medic's hand.

    Pharma shushes the chick. "You'll make yourself sick if you eat that fast," he chides. First Aid grins under his mask.

    "Won't he be too used to us by then? He won't know how to hunt for food or anything, or how to protect himself from predators."

    Pharma freezes like he's been caught, though luckily for him it's just because he didn't think about how to reintegrate the penguin, and not about his other ventures.

    "I... I hadn't thought of that." Pharma looks down at the peeping chick and gives his hand back. He watches the penguin eat out of his palm. It wouldn't know how to do anything would it? It won't know how to find outcroppings of energon, or how to avoid arctic turbofoxes, or what to do in a snowstorm. And it would all be Pharma's fault. First Aid may have saved the chick initially, but Pharma was the one that let it stay inside Delphi. It would be Pharma's fault if it- if he dies. The penguin snaps up the last bit of energon, belly full, and nuzzles into Pharma's sticky palm. The jet huffs. He'll have to wash the little brat now. He's gotten his feathers all gunked up.

    "So.... What's his name?" First Aid asks. He's known Pharma long enough to tell that the little penguin won't be kicked out. "I was thinking, since he's going to be in Delphi for a while-"

    "I never said th-"

    "- he should have a name that reflects that. Like, what about Delphi?"

    "Pits no."

    "Scalpel?"

    "I'd sooner throw him out than name him that. If we are going to name him, it will be something good."

    First Aid leans back and crosses his arms, chair creaking. "All right then, what do you think?"

    Pharma ponders it for a moment, looking down at the penguin. It has the same bland coloring as all its kin do when they're young, save for black eyebrow-like markings and black wingtips. The little thing looks angry all the time, even while it peeps happily at Pharma and plays with his fingers.

    "How about... Armamentarium?"

    "Please say you're joking?" First Aid begs.

    "Alright, bad name. Um, what else do you think?"

    "Fisitron!"

    "We are not naming him that!"

    "Springer?"

    "Leave all of your ridiculous Wreckers out of this," Pharma warns, frown deepening. The penguin peeps at him, looking just as angry with his silly eyebrow markings. First Aid can't help the laugh he lets out at the sight. Pharma's head snaps back up and he glares at First Aid. "What?"

    "Why don't we name him after you? He looks the same; he's even got colored wingtips too."

    Pharma looks like he's going to respond but shuts his mouth. A smug smirk spreads across his face. First Aid regrets ever speaking.

    "That's a lovely idea. There's no better name in the world than mine, especially for something so cute," Pharma says, as the idea becomes more desirable by the second. The look on First Aid's face helps seal the deal.

    "Wait, wait, wait! Don't name him after you!"

    "Why not?"

    First Aid flounders for a bit, desperately thinking of an excuse when one hits him.

    "If he does something wrong or silly, we'd sound like we're punishing you! Can you imagine how the miners would react to hearing stuff like 'Bad Pharma! You can't eat those jellies!'"

    Pharma's smirk does fall a little at that. It _would_ be ridiculous. But the idea of naming a tiny cute penguin after himself (and the agony such an action would cause First Aid) is too much to resist. He figures out a compromise.

    "I won't name the penguin Pharma," he says, watching in cruel delight as First Aid sighs in relief. "I'll name him Pharn." Pharma picks the newly named Pharn up and leaves the rec room to look for some cleanser. He hears First Aid's groan as he walks away.

    "Don't just take the last 'a' and the end of the 'm' off! That's not any better!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, don't try and tell me Pharma isn't vain enough to do that.


	3. The Mighty Pharn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharn is a good boy. And Pharma is a weenie.

    Tiny penguin chicks are hard to spot. The newly named Pharn soon revealed  _that_  fun little tidbit. Pharn was impossible to keep corralled in Delphi. The chick seemed to think he owned the place, waddling into patient rooms and peeping at staff members. As soon as someone saw him, he deemed it necessary to patrol another hall and would waddle off before anyone could get Pharma. 

     _There he is!_

_Peep!_

And off he would go, tiny feet padding as fast as he could. If the floors were freshly mopped, he'd plop onto his stomach and glide away. The perfect escape plan. Not to mention if someone other than Pharma (or Ambulon, for that matter) caught him, Pharn could turn big cute baby eyes on them.  _Oh please let me go,_ they would seem to say.  _I promise I'll turn over a new leaf, I'll go straight, I'll cut clean. I'll stop my life of crime._ A bit melodramatic, but then again he was Pharma's. No one could resist the eyes, and then he'd be off again to direct a surgery in peeps and flipper flaps.

    Pharn also had the added help of being horrendously cute on his side. Miners who would come in for repairs and check-ups all adored the angry looking chick. Pharn was smaller than their hands in most cases, but his attitude helped inflate him into a handful. If he wanted to get a miner's attention, PEEP! The penguin became a favorite of the miners lucky enough to not end up in the ICU near Pharma's unknown deadline. Pharn could charm his way into head scratches, belly rubs, even willing accomplices if Ambulon or Pharma were on his tail.  _No Doctor, I haven't seen Pharn. Have you tried the offices?_ Then once whoever was chasing him was gone, Pharn would happily plop out of hiding and quietly peep at the miner.

    But what Pharn loved the most were the treats. Miners who were especially soft sparked who smuggle in little candies for Pharn. The penguin  **loved** candies, no matter how they gummed up his beak, or gunked his feathers, or gave him a sugar crash that let Pharma easily scoop him up.

                  This became his downfall.

    Pharn charmed and charmed, and ate and ate. He also grew plumper and plumper. It's very hard to run away from Pharma if you're too chubby to run.

    

 

    Pharma puts his hands on his hips and watches Pharn's struggle. The baby penguin had flopped onto his front to try and glide away on the mopped floor. As it turns out, his big belly keeps his tiny flippers from touching the floor and propelling him forward. Pharn wiggles on the tiles, barely moving at all. He gives up eventually.

    "Now do you see why you aren't supposed to overeat?" Pharma says. Pharn peeps at him, cross. It was hardly Pharn's fault, after all. Those miners were the ones who gave him the candies! Pharma sighs and walks forward until he stands over Pharn. "You  _will_ be put on a diet, Pharn. This is ridiculous. You can hardly move. Where is that crafty little penguin who scuttled about all over the place, hm?"

    Never mind that Pharn's scuttling was what caused Pharma his biggest scares and headaches. The sight of Pharn pathetically laying on the ground, alone and in an isolated part of the facility, makes a part of Pharma's spark that he swears doesn't exist ache. If Pharma hadn't already been chasing him in these back corridors, and Pharn had flopped onto his stomach, who knows how long it would've taken them to find him. Pharn's peeps weren't very loud, and against the grey tiles of the floor, he's almost invisible if one just glances. Would he have been left alone for hours? Days?

    Pharma reaches down to pick up Pharn, huffing at the added weight. The penguin happily chirps at him, nuzzling under his chin.


	4. An unfortunate revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pharn's name is super silly, and Pharma didn't think it through.

    Tarn had called at a very bad time.

    Pharma rolls the penguin into a little blanket burrito so he can't waddle about the room, leaving him tied up on the berth, as he takes the call. Tarn's face, or rather mask, appears on the screen.

    "Hello doctor," the mech purrs, eyeing Pharma from his side of the connection. "How goes the t-cog collection?"

    "It would certainly go faster if you didn't keep calling me and keeping me from my work," Pharma replies snappily. He can see the little wriggling blanket at the corner of his optic. He's not exactly sure how Tarn would react to seeing Pharma with a tiny penguin chick, but Pharma doubts it'd be good. 

    "I have to make sure you're actually fulfilling our agreement, Pharma."

    "Well, I'm fulfilling it quite fine, so if you'd please get off my comm before someone finds out-"

    Peep.

    Had Pharma not been involved in it, the moment might have seemed hilarious. Pharn had twisted free of his blanket prison while Pharma was speaking, and was now angrily flapping his wings on the edge of the berth.

   Peep peep peep!

    Pharma hisses at Pharn to be quiet. The chick peeps back, jumping off the edge of the berth and plopping onto the floor. Tarn watches, confused, from the screen as Pharma hurries over to check that Pharn is alright before quickly putting him back on the bed and tossing the blanket over him.

    Peep peep!

    "Pharn, be quiet, please!"

    Pharma runs back to the comm, frantic and hoping against hope that perhaps Tarn was in a good mood. Little horrid thoughts pop into Pharma's head, things like Tarn demanding Pharn, Tarn hurting Pharn, Tarn  _killing_ Pharn-

    "...You named it after us?"

    "What?" Now Pharma is confused. Pharn struggles out from under the blanket, making sure Pharma knows he didn't appreciate that. Tarn points at the penguin.

    "That. You called it Pharn. Why would you name it after us?"

    "What are you talking about? I never named...him..."

    Pharn. Tarn. Pharma.  _Pharn._

    Pharma groans and drops his face into his hands, Pharn once again plopping onto the floor in full view of Tarn.

    "I should've named him Fisitron."


End file.
